


Go to Him

by Dekka



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 11:17:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13075752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dekka/pseuds/Dekka
Summary: Sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone for the one you love.Aka: Auston grapples with the idea of coming out, one step at a time.





	Go to Him

"Don't leave," Mitch begs.

It's late at night, the bar crowd gone, and the streets are as empty as Mitch's apartment, down a couple blocks from where him and Auston are tangled together, sitting in the too-long grass of the city park. If they leave each other they won't be together for another week. It's too long to go with things so uncertain between them. 

"Marns," Auston's reserved, done, cold, "you need sleep." Despite his words, his under eyes are darker than Mitch's and always have been, as if he's perpetually sleep deprived. His hands shake as he tugs grass from beneath them. 

They got here nearly an hour ago, coming down from the beer or two they had with the team to celebrate a win and say goodbye until New Year's. 

"I don't want to go. I don't want you to go, either." Mitch knows he's whining, knows he's one step away from begging, maybe even from throwing all his cards down on a bet he knows he won't win just to keep Auston here for however long he can have him. 

As he's about to gamble the truth of his feelings in the air between them, Auston's mouth opens and closes, as if unsure of himself. It's so uncharacteristic that Mitch snaps his own mouth shut, waiting as patiently as he can for whatever has Auston stumbling over his words. It only takes a few more minutes before Auston steels himself, eyes glued to the horizon.

"I like you," he says, like it's that easy. And maybe it could be, if they were anywhere else and not top draft picks and teammates and above all else, friends. Friends who've confided in each other for the last year, sharing secrets and uncertainties that have never dared to be said before. Outside of the media, everyone and their Mom knows that Mitch is bisexual, but Auston just recently shared his own struggles with his sexuality to Mitch and has been slowly trying to find ways to open up to his family. It's been a rough ride, these last few months, but they're closer because of it, trying to work Auston toward accepting himself and who he truly is. 

Toronto is unforgiving tonight, reminding them with a frigid breeze just how out of place they are. The park they're in closed hours ago, but fences are easy to jump and Mitch just had to show Auston his favorite spot before he flew home for the holiday. 

Overwhelmed, Mitch doesn't know what he's going to say until the words are out of his mouth, settling on spontaneous but true. "I think I love you." 

After saying it thousands of times, practicing to mirrors, in the shower, in the car, to Auston's back, it doesn't even feel like his own voice, unrecognizable in every way right down to the way it cracks, broken up in the icy air, as if unsure, as if guessing. Mitch knows, despite his croaking voice, that this is the real deal. 

Auston's still quiet beside him, his frozen fingers buried in the grass but done pulling, too up-rooted himself to inflict the same damage on the earth around them. Love is a big word, _love_ is a forever word. 

"Stay," Mitch begs again. Auston's silence isn't telling, only contemplative. Across the field from them figures dance through the street lights, passing them without a second glance. They both pause to watch the movement, mesmerized by the idea that something exists outside of them when every move, every word between them feels monumental, like the earth itself would bend to their will if they asked it to. 

"Would it matter if I stayed?" 

Mitch scoffs, his shoulder pulling away from Auston's. "Would it matter?" He sounds incredulous, even to his own ears. 

"Yeah, Mitch." Auston finally looks to him, his expression heartbreakingly open, as if he's the one putting everything on the line when Mitch just admitted his love. "Would it matter if I stayed, for good, when we both know where this ends?" 

He didn't think it was possible, but Auston sounds even more exhausted now, his fingers back to plucking blades of grass from their homes and his eyes back to tracing the movement. There's a growing feeling welling up in Mitch's chest and as much as he wants to deny it, he can feel the threat of tears looming, prancing in the corners of his vision. 

There hasn't been a day in Mitch's life where he's hidden who he was, but Auston's always been reserved, calculating, _closeted_. 

"I don't care where we end up," he whispers and Auston just nods, as if he expected the answer all along. His smile is sad, deceiving as a tear fights it's way to his face, trailing down his cheek slowly before it jumps off of his jaw and disappears into the grass. It's only once it's gone, watering the destroyed roots, that Auston scrubs away the evidence of his misery. 

It's the tears that make Mitch desperate. "I'll go back in the closet, anything, Auston, please. I can say I'm dating someone from home, I can keep quiet about us." 

He should've known better than to try to gamble his own wellbeing with Auston. The look he gets silences his words and his brain, slowing his frantic thoughts to a halt. For the first time ever, Mitch accepts this as a fight he can't win, at least not until Auston is ready to come out. 

"How'd we even get here?" There's disbelief that Auston can't hide in his voice, and Mitch finds himself reluctantly curling back into his side, pretending it's for warmth more than anything. 

"I wanted you to stay," he reminds Auston. They both know his flight won't wait a second past six am, even if he is _Auston Matthews_. Just in the distance the sun is already starting to brighten the night sky.

"If we were anyone else," Auston says, letting the idea hang there, letting them imagine a world where they met by bumping into each other on the street, or maybe just as fans at a game. 

"You'd still struggle. We all do." It's honest and painful, but true; Mitch knows there's no world where Auston wouldn't try to juggle his identity in one hand and his sexuality in the other when they should be cupped preciously in the same hand.

"I could try though, if things were different. It wouldn't have to be all or nothing." There's no logic there that Mitch knows how to fight, so he lets the anger growing inside of him fester out. He knows it's not his, or anyone else's place to push someone out of the closet. 

"We've had this conversation a hundred times," he says then, because he can tell Auston's mind is running wild with the idea and he's exhausted of having this back and forth, repetitive debate. 

It seems like ever since Auston came out to him that all he's been doing is trying to keep Auston from slipping deeper into the closet in all other parts of his life. Knowing they'd be perfect together makes it even harder, especially when the only block between them is Auston's inability to let Mitch re-closet himself, even just momentarily. 

"We'll figure it out," Auston promises. His head leans against Mitch's then, an end to their conversation, letting the quiet of the night take over their thoughts. 

When morning comes Mitch goes through the motions of his day, pretending not to check the clock for when Auston's set to leave and land. It isn't until sometime later, well after he's mindlessly floated around his apartment for hours that he gets sick of his own bad mood and packs a bag. 

He shows up at his parents house with a forced smile that does nothing to fool his Mom, who pulls him into her arms the second they're alone in the kitchen. 

"Do you want to talk about it, baby?" She asks, brushing his too-long hair off of his forehead. 

"No," he says, because he couldn't even if he wanted to. Somewhere in Arizona Auston is probably driving through, ready to face his own family, ready to put back up his walls, and Mitch can't stand the thought.

"Why don't you take a nap before dinner, honey, get some rest?" Mitch nods, extracts himself from her hold, and prays he doesn't look as weighed down by their problems as feels as he drags himself to bed.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just something I randomly wrote so if you'd like more let me know because this is something i'd definitely like to explore if people are interested in reading it!


End file.
